At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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