Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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