Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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