Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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