Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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