I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
