god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
