Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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