god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
