After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
