i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
