Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
