You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
