I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
