You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
