what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
