woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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