i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
