Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
