Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
