i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
