you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
