Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
