I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
