i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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