I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
