Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you inspire me to be a worse person
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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