I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
