Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
