i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
