I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
