I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
