Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
