She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
