Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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