Kiss
Puke
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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