His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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