Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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