Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
