If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
