You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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