I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
