I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
