and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
