WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
