Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
did i walk over a car last night?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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