I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
