I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
where are you?
Hypothermia
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
