neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
