I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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